Tuesday, October 21, 2014

A Daughter of God

This week has been crazy. 

The hardest week of my mission. I had a lot of health problems this week- but I think it was the worst because for the first time in the mission I felt like I was failing. I felt I was failing as a trainer and as a missionary. 

I love being a missionary and I know its because as a missionary I feel I am completely fulfilling my purpose as a daughter of God. 

And this week I felt I wasn´t just failing, but I was literally disappointing Heavenly Father. Which is the worst thought and it’s hard to get rid of. 

But what happened was I have been in bed now for a long time. And this week it was bad- last week I had bronchitis with the nurse orders to chill in the house. But these feeling of guilt were so overwhelming I faked better and we went to work in the sector- which was a terrible idea because then I got Pneumonia. 

It got pretty bad and the nurse had me moved to Osorno- she then was going to have me admitted to the hospital. But instead had me move in with them. So I spent the first little bit on a little bed by the fire with my Darth Vader med mask on and off. 

Then my companion came down and went on splits with the nurse’s companion to keep working.  Oh my, the nurse here is amazing and really got me stabilized. I love her. 

But then I had to stay with them for a bit- so they built a cool bunk bed for us ha-ha. 

But this whole time with the medicine, the mask, resting and her help I really was feeling so much better. But still couldn’t shake the terrible thoughts about how I was ruining my new companions training, how the work in my sector was completely forgotten and how I just "knew" Heavenly Father was disappointed with me. I knew he loved me so much, but still. 

And it hurt. I tried studying the scriptures but I had to lie down and felt I was just spending my precious mission days lying there. 

But I had faith and that was the frustrating part. I knew He could heal me and I was so confused why He wouldn’t just help me. I knew how happy I was as a missionary and how happy I knew He was when I am happy. I didn't lose my faith, but I felt so alone. 

Then I had a bunch of little experiences to help me remember this is His work! That yes, He loves me so much but more than that- He is so proud of me and that sometimes when we go through hard things. It's because He trusts us to learn what He needs us to learn. 

I love the restoration video where Jose Smith says sometimes the Lord brings us down so He can lift us higher. 
The mission nurse, whom I love!

And that’s what He’s done- He has brought me down (and brought me down hard) but I know it was so I could have a couple little sacred experiences to bring not my body back to health- but lift my spirit higher. 

One of these happened in the sacrament when I read my patriarchal blessing and a new line was seriously amplified- one I haven´t ever really focused in on. 

With that, one other was very, very sacred. I will write you, mom and pops, about it but He answers prayers and He knows me so much. I was given an experience to see His love as easily as I can see dads for me. 

And the third was in a talk from Elder Bednar (who is a rock star and I am so jealous the kids saw him last week. sooo cool) 

But he talks about the Faith not to be healed. Which is crazy. Because yes I had the faith for him to completely heal my body when I received a blessing from president, then after when I prayed and prayed and prayed- but I hadn’t thought about if I truly had the faith not to be healed- but to just trust. 

Elder Bednar says,  ¨Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in moving mountains if moving mountains accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in healing the sick, deaf, or lame—if such healing accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Thus, even with strong faith, many mountains will not be moved. And not all of the sick and infirm will be healed. If all opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, then the primary purposes of the Father’s plan would be frustrated. ¨

So that is what I have learned- this is Gods work. And I am His so loved daughter and He´s got it. So I just need to trust. It's hard and I still would rather just "have the mountain be moved" so I could go back to giving 100 percent to this work. But like Bednar says "it's only if moving mountains accomplishes God’s purposes."

I love you so much. Don't worry about me- I am back in Rio Bueno and taking it very slow. But my spirits are up and I am happy (especially because we have our first lesson tonight!)

xoxo the amount of times I said *pshh pshh Parkinson.. I am your mother* :) in the breathing mask like Darth Vader to my companion xoxox 

Hna Ball

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